FUNNY QUOTES

MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES

2009-08-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

MITCH HEDBERG

FUNNY IS...

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier 'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "cut em up!"

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Shit! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."

(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this thing! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, shoot! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar!

My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it."

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Mitch Hegberg

MORE MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES

2008-11-28T07:18:00.000-08:00

MORE MITCH HEDBERG

A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Mitch Hedberg

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

2008-11-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My Dad hated me I bought him an Archery Set for Christmas, he got me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on it for my birthday.

He thought me to cross at the red light.

When I was bored he told me to play on the broken white line on the highway. I get no respect.

For Halloween I use to bob for french fries, my dad, you know.

I mean I came from a tough neighborhood in grade four when thew teacher got a note it would read "Little Johnny will be away from five to ten years"

In high School the special at the local restaurant was broken leg of lamb. Rough neighborhood.

I'm not saying they didn't have class, if they robbed you they didn't use a barbers switch razor, they used an electric razor. The one drawback they had to wait until you were near an electric outlet.

I think my wife fools around on me. I got in a cab I asked the driver to take me where I could get some action you know some easy sex he drove me to my house.

I bought a used car I found one of my wife's dresses in the backseat. I mean I don't know I get no respect no respect.

I told her why does she keep running over the kids bikes she said they shouldn't keep them on the porch.

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES

2008-11-17T11:39:00.000-08:00

GEORGE CARLIN

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think alcoholics should be told not to screw.

Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways with their RVs. But apparently the RVs aren’t enough, because behind them they are towing cars, motor boats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, ski jets, snowmobiles, para sails, hang gliders. Hot air balloons and two small two-,man deep sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack are lunar excursion modules. Doesn’t anyone take a f_ck_ng walk anymore?

Here’s more middlebrow bullshit philosophy. “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” I’ve got something more realistic: “That which does not kill me may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste.” Put that in your T-shirt, touchy feely New Age asshole!

Live and let live – that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed.

I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, screwing is legal. So why isn’t it legal to sell screwing?

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

In the United States anyone can be president. That’s the problem.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit.”

The IQ and life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the opposite direction.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

When I first heard the song “Don’t worry- be happy” I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with “Me first”.

George Carlin

STEVE MARTIN

2008-11-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN

STEVE MARTIN

I just got back from France...

...boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night..

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Katt Williams

2008-11-17T04:05:00.000-08:00

KATT WILLIAMS

Now ladies don't be mad at me, I'm only callin' ya bitches cause I don't know your names individually.

Women need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a person,"You messed up my self-esteem". Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your self. How am I gonna mess up how you feel about yourself?

I got shit in my house to make bitches feel comfortable. I got 2 pillows with silk covers on 'em so if a bitch come over she don't gotta mess up her hair. I got wine at my house. I don't drink wine but women do. Now what would Michael need to make lil boys feel comfortable... an amusement park?

What the hell is Limewire? Is that one of those crazy new Mountain Dew flavors?

“Whole world is _uckin’ crazy, you don’t know what to trust. You can stay away from drugdealers and gangbangers all your life and still get killed by a squirrel.”

"About Obama I'll say this white people. If there EVER was a black man that you were going to vote for, THIS is the one to vote for....vote for this guy cuz this is black lite..."

Katt Williams

(somewhat altered for general consumption)

LENNY BRUCE

2008-11-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

LENNY BRUCE

A PIONEER OF TODAY'S COMEDY

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

You can't put tits and ass on the marquee!...Why not?...Because it's dirty and vulgar, that's why not!... Titties are dirty and vulgar?...Okay, we'll compromise. How about Latin? Gluteus maximus, pectoralis majors nightly...That's alright, that's clean, class with ass, I'll buy it...Clean to you, schmuck, but dirty to the Latins!

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.

If something about the human body disgusts you, I mean if God created the Body and the Body is dirty, then the fault lies with the Manufacturer.

I'm sorry if I wasn't very funny tonight. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

Lenny Bruce

BOB HOPE

2008-11-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

THANKS

FOR EVERYTHING

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I have to much money invested in sweaters.

There will always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

(Bob Hope always made me happy. In retrospect his simplicity created an intricate glow of joy within me)

BOB HOPE

STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES

2008-11-12T00:34:00.000-08:00

The Humor of Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

H.L. MENKEN

2008-11-10T04:20:00.000-08:00

H. L. Menken

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.

Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable..

H. L. Mencken

JACK BENNY

2008-11-10T04:09:00.000-08:00

JACK BENNY

TALKS

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause.

Modesty is my best quality.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

A Cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Jack Benny

THEY TALK ABOUT

JACK BENNY

We have been friends because we are not in competition. I do the kind of show he could never do - a giveaway.

~ Art Linkletter

Jack's a great musician, and I'm a great actor. It takes a great actor to say Jack Benny is a great musician.

Bob Hope

When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear.

Dean Martin

One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand.

Eddie Anderson (Rochestor)

He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning.

Fred Allen

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

George Burns

I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine.

George Burns

When Jack Benny walks out in tails in front of ninety great musicians, he looks like the world's greatest violinist. It's a shame he has to play.

Isaac Stern

Last night, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost.

New York Post Critic

Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down.

Zubin Mehta

There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time!

Zubin Mehta

There's one particular moment during that concert that I shall recall as long as I live. Its when the entire audience jumped to its feet and shouted, 'More! More!' it was right after Jack had announced there would be a five-minute intermission!

Zubin Mehta

Benny has done more than raise millions of dollars to erase operating deficits of major orchestras. He has brought multitudes of people who would not otherwise be there into the concert halls to prove that music can be entertaining and rewarding.

Leonard Bernstein

Jack Benny had style from the beginning. He stood straight and walked kind of sideways as if he were being gently shoved by a touch of genius.

William Saroyan

MEL BROOKS

2008-11-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

MEL BROOKS

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

I hung around with guys two years older. Why should they let this puny kid hang out with them? I gave them a reason. I became their jester. Also, they were afraid of my tongue. I had it sharpened and I'd stick it in their eye.(Playboy, Feb 1975)

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Me? Not like the Germans? Why should I not like Germans? Just because they're arrogant and have fat necks and do anything they're told so long as it's cruel, and killed millions of Jews in concentration camps and made soap out of their bodies and lamp shades out of their skins? Is that any reason to hate their f***ing guts? (Playboy, Feb 1975)

Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.

Humor keeps the elderly rolling along, singing a song. When you laugh, it’s an involuntary explosion of the lungs. The lungs need to replenish themselves with oxygen. So you laugh, you breathe, the blood runs, and everything is circulating. If you don’t laugh, you’ll die.

I've never been happier than when I was writing the musical score of The Producers. One song after another tumbled out of my head in what was the most soul-satisfying experience of my career. And in my less than humble opinion, I must say that it turned out to be surprisingly good.

Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.

He who hesitates is poor.

Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the other place is supposed to keep quite. But maybe our lower colons have something interesting to say. Maybe we should listen to them. (Playboy, Feb 1975)

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front.

I only direct in self-defense.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

My favorite expression is: When you go up to the bell, ring it ? or don't go up to the bell.

If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.

Beans, beans, the musical fruits; The more you eat, the more you toots.

If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.

If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.

Being short never bothered me for three seconds. The rest of the time I wanted to commit suicide.(Playboy, Feb 1975)

I spent a lot of time in the artillery. Too noisy. Could not take the noise. All through the war, two cigarette butts stuck in my ears. Couldn't read, couldn't think, couldn't even make a phone call. Baghamoooooommmmm! Brrllaggghhaarrooooooooooommmmm! And then they started shooting. (Playboy, Feb 1975)

Do you have a dollar on you? I hate to answer questions for nothing.(Playboy, Feb 1975)

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.

Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.

These men both publicly and privately have done so much for me. Without Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick I would be living in a little motel just around the corner here, trying to make ends meet.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

We rest our case on the production numbers.

We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody.

You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself.

I know she's (Mom) good. Because you can tell a person by what they are inside and I've been there. I've been inside and looked around. I know she's great.

Mel Brooks

WOODY ALLEN QUOTES

2008-11-08T05:14:00.000-08:00

WOODY ALLEN

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I am two with nature.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Woody Allen

JAY LONDON QUOTES

2008-11-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

JAY LONDON

So how do you like my overall look? ( Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.

I get all my hair products at PetCo.

I was born nine months premature.

I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me."

It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"

A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.

I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I saw a stationery store move.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.

I model irregular clothing.

I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.

Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

Jay London

JON STEWART QUOTES

2008-11-07T05:17:00.000-08:00

JON STEWART

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle

But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change… I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Originally we were going to title it 'The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off,' but it was too long.

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song

Jon Stewart

GROUCHO MARX QUOTES

2008-11-06T08:57:00.000-08:00

GROUCHO MARX

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Practically everybody in America has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Whoever named kissing necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Groucho Marx

TIM ALLEN QUOTES

2008-11-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

TIM ALLEN

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing.

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes we want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it. (Santa Clause)

Tim Allen

FRED ALLEN QUOTES

2008-11-04T09:34:00.000-08:00

FRED ALLEN

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Fred Allen