TIM ALLEN QUOTES

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TIM ALLEN I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller. Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal. Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing. I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty. My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard! Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes we want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it. (Santa Clause) Tim Allen