I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
"In the year 2000, in the era of hooking up, "first base" meant deep kissing ("tonsil hockey"), groping, and fondling; "second base" meant oral sex; "third base" meant going all the way; and "home plate" meant learning each other's names."
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier 'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "cut em up!"
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Shit! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."
(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this thing! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, shoot! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar!
My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit." I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Do not decorate it."
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think alcoholics should be told not to screw.
Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways with their RVs. But apparently the RVs aren’t enough, because behind them they are towing cars, motor boats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, ski jets, snowmobiles, para sails, hang gliders. Hot air balloons and two small two-,man deep sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack are lunar excursion modules. Doesn’t anyone take a f_ck_ng walk anymore?
Here’s more middlebrow bullshit philosophy. “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” I’ve got something more realistic: “That which does not kill me may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste.” Put that in your T-shirt, touchy feely New Age asshole!
Live and let live – that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed.
I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, screwing is legal. So why isn’t it legal to sell screwing?
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
In the United States anyone can be president. That’s the problem.
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit.”
The IQ and life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the opposite direction.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
When I first heard the song “Don’t worry- be happy” I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with “Me first”.
Now ladies don't be mad at me, I'm only callin' ya bitches cause I don't know your names individually.
Women need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a person,"You messed up my self-esteem". Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your self. How am I gonna mess up how you feel about yourself?
I got shit in my house to make bitches feel comfortable. I got 2 pillows with silk covers on 'em so if a bitch come over she don't gotta mess up her hair. I got wine at my house. I don't drink wine but women do. Now what would Michael need to make lil boys feel comfortable... an amusement park?
What the hell is Limewire? Is that one of those crazy new Mountain Dew flavors?
“Whole world is _uckin’ crazy, you don’t know what to trust. You can stay away from drugdealers and gangbangers all your life and still get killed by a squirrel.”
"About Obama I'll say this white people. If there EVER was a black man that you were going to vote for, THIS is the one to vote for....vote for this guy cuz this is black lite..."
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
You can't put tits and ass on the marquee!...Why not?...Because it's dirty and vulgar, that's why not!... Titties are dirty and vulgar?...Okay, we'll compromise. How about Latin? Gluteus maximus, pectoralis majors nightly...That's alright, that's clean, class with ass, I'll buy it...Clean to you, schmuck, but dirty to the Latins!
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!
"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.
If something about the human body disgusts you, I mean if God created the Body and the Body is dirty, then the fault lies with the Manufacturer.
I'm sorry if I wasn't very funny tonight. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. I have to much money invested in sweaters. There will always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
You've got to be rich to have a swing like that. The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
(Bob Hope always made me happy. In retrospect his simplicity created an intricate glow of joy within me)
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable..
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause.
Modesty is my best quality.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
A Cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
THEY TALK ABOUT
We have been friends because we are not in competition. I do the kind of show he could never do - a giveaway.
~ Art Linkletter
Jack's a great musician, and I'm a great actor. It takes a great actor to say Jack Benny is a great musician.
When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear.
One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand.
Eddie Anderson (Rochestor)
He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine.
When Jack Benny walks out in tails in front of ninety great musicians, he looks like the world's greatest violinist. It's a shame he has to play.
Last night, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost.
New York Post Critic
Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down.
There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time!
There's one particular moment during that concert that I shall recall as long as I live. Its when the entire audience jumped to its feet and shouted, 'More! More!' it was right after Jack had announced there would be a five-minute intermission!
Benny has done more than raise millions of dollars to erase operating deficits of major orchestras. He has brought multitudes of people who would not otherwise be there into the concert halls to prove that music can be entertaining and rewarding.
Jack Benny had style from the beginning. He stood straight and walked kind of sideways as if he were being gently shoved by a touch of genius.
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
I hung around with guys two years older. Why should they let this puny kid hang out with them? I gave them a reason. I became their jester. Also, they were afraid of my tongue. I had it sharpened and I'd stick it in their eye.(Playboy, Feb 1975)
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Me? Not like the Germans? Why should I not like Germans? Just because they're arrogant and have fat necks and do anything they're told so long as it's cruel, and killed millions of Jews in concentration camps and made soap out of their bodies and lamp shades out of their skins? Is that any reason to hate their f***ing guts? (Playboy, Feb 1975)
Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.
Humor keeps the elderly rolling along, singing a song. When you laugh, it’s an involuntary explosion of the lungs. The lungs need to replenish themselves with oxygen. So you laugh, you breathe, the blood runs, and everything is circulating. If you don’t laugh, you’ll die.
I've never been happier than when I was writing the musical score of The Producers. One song after another tumbled out of my head in what was the most soul-satisfying experience of my career. And in my less than humble opinion, I must say that it turned out to be surprisingly good.
Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.
He who hesitates is poor.
Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the other place is supposed to keep quite. But maybe our lower colons have something interesting to say. Maybe we should listen to them. (Playboy, Feb 1975)
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front.
I only direct in self-defense.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
My favorite expression is: When you go up to the bell, ring it ? or don't go up to the bell.
If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.
Beans, beans, the musical fruits; The more you eat, the more you toots.
If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.
If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.
Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.
Being short never bothered me for three seconds. The rest of the time I wanted to commit suicide.(Playboy, Feb 1975)
I spent a lot of time in the artillery. Too noisy. Could not take the noise. All through the war, two cigarette butts stuck in my ears. Couldn't read, couldn't think, couldn't even make a phone call. Baghamoooooommmmm! Brrllaggghhaarrooooooooooommmmm! And then they started shooting. (Playboy, Feb 1975)
Do you have a dollar on you? I hate to answer questions for nothing.(Playboy, Feb 1975)
Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.
Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.
These men both publicly and privately have done so much for me. Without Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick I would be living in a little motel just around the corner here, trying to make ends meet.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
We rest our case on the production numbers.
We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody.
You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself.
I know she's (Mom) good. Because you can tell a person by what they are inside and I've been there. I've been inside and looked around. I know she's great.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle
But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change… I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.
Originally we were going to title it 'The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off,' but it was too long.
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song