I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
"In the year 2000, in the era of hooking up, "first base" meant deep kissing ("tonsil hockey"), groping, and fondling; "second base" meant oral sex; "third base" meant going all the way; and "home plate" meant learning each other's names."
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause.
Modesty is my best quality.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
A Cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
THEY TALK ABOUT
We have been friends because we are not in competition. I do the kind of show he could never do - a giveaway.
~ Art Linkletter
Jack's a great musician, and I'm a great actor. It takes a great actor to say Jack Benny is a great musician.
When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear.
One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand.
Eddie Anderson (Rochestor)
He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine.
When Jack Benny walks out in tails in front of ninety great musicians, he looks like the world's greatest violinist. It's a shame he has to play.
Last night, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost.
New York Post Critic
Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down.
There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time!
There's one particular moment during that concert that I shall recall as long as I live. Its when the entire audience jumped to its feet and shouted, 'More! More!' it was right after Jack had announced there would be a five-minute intermission!
Benny has done more than raise millions of dollars to erase operating deficits of major orchestras. He has brought multitudes of people who would not otherwise be there into the concert halls to prove that music can be entertaining and rewarding.
Jack Benny had style from the beginning. He stood straight and walked kind of sideways as if he were being gently shoved by a touch of genius.