I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
"In the year 2000, in the era of hooking up, "first base" meant deep kissing ("tonsil hockey"), groping, and fondling; "second base" meant oral sex; "third base" meant going all the way; and "home plate" meant learning each other's names."
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
I hung around with guys two years older. Why should they let this puny kid hang out with them? I gave them a reason. I became their jester. Also, they were afraid of my tongue. I had it sharpened and I'd stick it in their eye.(Playboy, Feb 1975)
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Me? Not like the Germans? Why should I not like Germans? Just because they're arrogant and have fat necks and do anything they're told so long as it's cruel, and killed millions of Jews in concentration camps and made soap out of their bodies and lamp shades out of their skins? Is that any reason to hate their f***ing guts? (Playboy, Feb 1975)
Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.
Humor keeps the elderly rolling along, singing a song. When you laugh, it’s an involuntary explosion of the lungs. The lungs need to replenish themselves with oxygen. So you laugh, you breathe, the blood runs, and everything is circulating. If you don’t laugh, you’ll die.
I've never been happier than when I was writing the musical score of The Producers. One song after another tumbled out of my head in what was the most soul-satisfying experience of my career. And in my less than humble opinion, I must say that it turned out to be surprisingly good.
Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.
He who hesitates is poor.
Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the other place is supposed to keep quite. But maybe our lower colons have something interesting to say. Maybe we should listen to them. (Playboy, Feb 1975)
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front.
I only direct in self-defense.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
My favorite expression is: When you go up to the bell, ring it ? or don't go up to the bell.
If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.
Beans, beans, the musical fruits; The more you eat, the more you toots.
If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.
If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.
Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.
Being short never bothered me for three seconds. The rest of the time I wanted to commit suicide.(Playboy, Feb 1975)
I spent a lot of time in the artillery. Too noisy. Could not take the noise. All through the war, two cigarette butts stuck in my ears. Couldn't read, couldn't think, couldn't even make a phone call. Baghamoooooommmmm! Brrllaggghhaarrooooooooooommmmm! And then they started shooting. (Playboy, Feb 1975)
Do you have a dollar on you? I hate to answer questions for nothing.(Playboy, Feb 1975)
Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.
Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.
These men both publicly and privately have done so much for me. Without Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick I would be living in a little motel just around the corner here, trying to make ends meet.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
We rest our case on the production numbers.
We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody.
You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself.
I know she's (Mom) good. Because you can tell a person by what they are inside and I've been there. I've been inside and looked around. I know she's great.