WOODY ALLEN QUOTES

WOODY ALLEN I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. I am two with nature. As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen