So how do you like my overall look? ( Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.

I get all my hair products at PetCo.

I was born nine months premature.

I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me."

It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"

A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.

I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I saw a stationery store move.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.

I model irregular clothing.

I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.

Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

Jay London