The Humor of Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
|
|
|
|
1 comments:
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Post a Comment