STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES




The Humor of Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright



1 comments:

Quotes Sample said...




The Humor of Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright



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