I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
"In the year 2000, in the era of hooking up, "first base" meant deep kissing ("tonsil hockey"), groping, and fondling; "second base" meant oral sex; "third base" meant going all the way; and "home plate" meant learning each other's names."
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. I have to much money invested in sweaters. There will always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
You've got to be rich to have a swing like that. The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
(Bob Hope always made me happy. In retrospect his simplicity created an intricate glow of joy within me)