I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My Dad hated me I bought him an Archery Set for Christmas, he got me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on it for my birthday.

He thought me to cross at the red light.

When I was bored he told me to play on the broken white line on the highway. I get no respect.

For Halloween I use to bob for french fries, my dad, you know.

I mean I came from a tough neighborhood in grade four when thew teacher got a note it would read "Little Johnny will be away from five to ten years"

In high School the special at the local restaurant was broken leg of lamb. Rough neighborhood.

I'm not saying they didn't have class, if they robbed you they didn't use a barbers switch razor, they used an electric razor. The one drawback they had to wait until you were near an electric outlet.

I think my wife fools around on me. I got in a cab I asked the driver to take me where I could get some action you know some easy sex he drove me to my house.

I bought a used car I found one of my wife's dresses in the backseat. I mean I don't know I get no respect no respect.

I told her why does she keep running over the kids bikes she said they shouldn't keep them on the porch.

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield