I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
"In the year 2000, in the era of hooking up, "first base" meant deep kissing ("tonsil hockey"), groping, and fondling; "second base" meant oral sex; "third base" meant going all the way; and "home plate" meant learning each other's names."
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.