I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
"In the year 2000, in the era of hooking up, "first base" meant deep kissing ("tonsil hockey"), groping, and fondling; "second base" meant oral sex; "third base" meant going all the way; and "home plate" meant learning each other's names."
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think alcoholics should be told not to screw.
Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways with their RVs. But apparently the RVs aren’t enough, because behind them they are towing cars, motor boats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, ski jets, snowmobiles, para sails, hang gliders. Hot air balloons and two small two-,man deep sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack are lunar excursion modules. Doesn’t anyone take a f_ck_ng walk anymore?
Here’s more middlebrow bullshit philosophy. “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” I’ve got something more realistic: “That which does not kill me may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste.” Put that in your T-shirt, touchy feely New Age asshole!
Live and let live – that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed.
I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, screwing is legal. So why isn’t it legal to sell screwing?
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
In the United States anyone can be president. That’s the problem.
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit.”
The IQ and life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the opposite direction.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
When I first heard the song “Don’t worry- be happy” I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with “Me first”.