MORE MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



10 comments:

Maomie said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
Flirt said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
trompyx said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
The Music Makers said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
Stella Blake said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
Marky said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
Anuradha Khanna Pentapalli said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
2 Pegs Down said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



Stumble Upon Toolbar
Funny Rajj said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



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Luke Lubenow said...




MORE MITCH HEDBERG


A COMIC'S MIND IN HIS OWN WORDS

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.


I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Mitch Hedberg



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